by: Max Velasco Knott 
Staff Writer

Married to a wife who doesn’t love him, dealing with the daily hustle and bustle and always playing it safe, Waldo Williams (Bill Devlan) never experienced anything out of the ordinary. All this changed while, during a vacation in Tijuana, Waldo was violated by the Notorious Mexican Butt Humping Bullfrog. Waldo’s infection would prove to be just as life-threatening as it sounds. His proctologist Dr. Rektor (Mark Pirro), informs Waldo that he literally has moments to live.

In a panic, Waldo seeks effective treatment—no matter how dangerous. Undergoing a risky radioactive ass treatment by world-renowned Dr. Wansamsaki, something goes horribly wrong, and thus RECTUMA is born.

Written, produced and directed by Mark Pirro, the low-budget B-grade movie (at best) satirizes everything from Godzilla to terrorism. Appealing to those who don’t need theatrical dazzle, the cheesy yet entertaining comedy comes off as an extended Saturday Night Live skit, maybe even better.

Pirro is also known for such films as “A Polish Vampire in Burbank,” “Nudist Colony of the Dead,” and “Curse of the Queerwolf.” He has made a name for himself in the industry by making most of his movies for under $25,000. Finding his niche in the movie market, Pirro has been learning more about filmmaking through his films rather than making piles of money.

“Rectuma” takes place in L.A., where Waldo and his cheating wife Valveeta Williams (Dani Leon) live in a small house and work together at a shipping company. Shortly after Waldo’s anal inflammation, a string of murders begin occurring around the area. The murders are curious, however, as no evidence is left behind except a suspicious trail of fecal matter. Soon after, detectives Cipolla (Jean Black) and Cosacca (Jim Rainey) are put on the case to investigate what’s really going on.

Not believing Waldo’s story that his ass would sneak away at night and do these deeds without his knowledge, the detectives arrest Waldo and take him in for questioning. The mystery wouldn’t be solved until in a fit of anger, a la Hulk, causes Waldo’s rear-end to break free and attack the interrogating Cosacca, thenceforth enlisting their cooperation to defeat the menace. Rectuma’s wrath is soon after seen across the city, as the growing, giant, radioactive anus engulfs innocent citizens and destroys buildings.

The traumatized Cosacca and Jodie Foster-emulating Cipolla join with Dr. Wansamsaki and his monster-specialist cousin Tashira to concoct a plan to take down the beast. Needing additional help, Tashira meets with suicide bomb-trainer Summa Cum Lauden in Afghanistan to convince him to help.

Though low-budget and strange in subject, “Rectuma”’s script is bound to get a few laughs from anyone. Sure it may be corny, but it knows it is and uses that fact to its advantage, creating a satirical movie that’s more about simple fun and entertainment than anything else.

Self-proclaimed as a “touching, romantic story of an unfaithful wife, her lover and the 40-foot tall ass that tore them apart,” “Rectuma” was debuted at the American Film Institute in December 2003. It currently can be seen exclusively throughout the month of April at the Laemmle Sunset 5 theater in West Hollywood.

Will Waldo and company defeat the 40-foot Rectuma? Will Waldo ever get his ass back? Will Detective Cipolla ever get over her irregular fear of hamster and buttocks? Must we be subjected to the potential sequel “Attack of Scroton”? You’ll have to take a trip over to the movies and find out for yourself.