ASK
SUBMISSIVE JESUS
Want to talk to Jesus? I mean
REALLY
talk to him and for the first time REALLY get a reply? Well one
way is to buy a Submissive
Jesus Prayer Answering Talking Head. However, for the cheapskates
amongst you, there is another way: simply post your question
here. Or, if you simply want enlightenment, just read his clever
and witty pearls of wisdom. All the questions posted are from
real people (in some cases, barely) like yourself. All answers
come from Submissive Jesus himself.
No question
is taboo for the Sub J, so ask anything you
like. He will reply faster than you can say "Delusional Prayer
Nut." Be sure and check back after you've posted your question
to see Mr. Christ's response.
CLICK
TO SEND
JESUS YOUR QUESTION
BELOW
ARE ALL THE QUESTIONS SUB JESUS HAS ANSWERED AS OF 5/12/08
I am a Christian
and I can not expres to you how much you're toy offends me.
SUB JESUS: I'm
sure you can't, but try. Just get a dictionary, and an adult with
some kind of grasp on the english language and you'll do fine.
Hey Jesus, it's
Bill from Australia. I got my Submissive Jesus head a few days
ago. It was the life of a party we had yesterday. Now all
my friends want to borrow it.
SUB JESUS: Don't
let them. Tell them to buy their own, cheap bastards.
Jesus is lord! I think what you're doing is really really sick.
SUB JESUS: Which
thing that I'm doing are you referring to: entertaining intelligent
people or answering an email from a person who still hasn't figured out
that Jesus and the tooth fairy are the same person?
How's "The God Complex" coming along?
SUB JESUS:
Glad you asked. Our friends over at Pirromount
Pictures tell us that they are moving along on it quite
nicely. Check out their information page.
Your an arrigant asshole. Does it bother you that you will be
spending an eternity in Hell?
SUB JESUS: No, but
obviously it bothers YOU.
How often do you Jerk Off?
SUB JESUS: Exactly
1/3rd the amount of times you do. I'll leave you to do the math.
Dear JC,
Why do so many
people claim that you exist when there
is no evidence whatsoever that you ever walked the earth? Why is it
that more than half of all Americans believe that the gospels are
actually true when it's common knowledge that they were written about
30 to 60 years after you allegedly lived (And there's dialog in the New
Testament. How did these people retain the exact conversations
verbatim?). It is commonly accepted that the gospels are second-hand
accounts; did Christians miss the memo? You can't say, "Well there's
Josephus." Even theologians agree that Josephus's works are not
credible, and the parts that mention Jesus of Nazareth (two in total)
were added in by other writers. What's more, there were dozens of other
so-called 'messiahs' who led the same exact life as you, being born of
a virgin, healing the sick, eating a last supper, and being crucified,
who just had a different name. Honestly, it pisses me off that so many
theists and even atheists believe that Jesus actually lived. Please
send more evidence. :(
SUB JESUS: This
question comes up a lot (see below). I think I address the answer
to your first question there. Moreover, people believe because
they WANT to believe. Yes, there were hundreds of other messiahs
in those days. I just had the best PR agent. You want to
know the truth? Jesus never walked the earth and I, a plastic
toy, have much more credibility.
I officially write you too much, and it's
because I love you (not the
mythological Jesus, but you). I was just introduced to Dikipedia and
thought I would share Pat Robertson's dick wiki in case you haven't
seen it. Well, actually I just wanted to share one specific topic. It
reads, "Pat Robertson, who is grossly homophobic, claims he can
leg-press 2,000 pounds, a remarkable feat for a
76 year-old prostate cancer survivor. It should be noted that the
leg-press is officially recognized by the World Federation of
Homosexual Athletics as the single gayest exercise ever developed."
hardy harr harr.
SUB
JESUS: You DO write too much. What is this, your third or
forth letter? If you just bought a Submissive
Jesus head, you would be able to talk to me in person and spare
yourself writer's cramp. Anyway, it wouldn't surprise me if it
came out one day that Pat Robertson had a homosexual experience
somewhere in his past. Most conservatives are sexually repressed
(Senator Craig of Idaho, Jimmy Swaggart, Catholic Priests - pick any, etc.),
so whether their sexual fantasy is with a 14 year old boy, a 43 year
old hooker or a young man in a bathroom stall, they're all human, and
human have sexual thoughts. Sexual thoughts are natural but
unaccepted by the religious. Religious thoughts are unnatural but
accepted by society. It's an upside down world. Sometimes
one can feel like Charlton Heston on the Planet of the Apes (science
rest his soul).
Seriously, who do so many people
still believe in God?
SUB JESUS:
Seriously? It's all part of brain wiring and our DNA. Many
humans are hard-wired to buy into the god mythology, because of
thousands of years of indoctrination. Sort of like how centuries
of inbreeding spawns banjo players, wife beaters and republicans.
I pray you stop
making this toy and worship the god who created you.
SUB JESUS: You've
misdirected your prayers. Start with praying for people to stop
buying it first. When there's no longer a demand, we will stop
the supply. In Heaven, we call that the "trickle dumb theory."
Hey, are you
looking forward to Bill Mahar's new movie, Religulous? What do
you know about it? Do you think Christians will boycott it?
SUB JESUS: I
am looking forward to the film. I know it's going to have the
flavor and feel of "Borat." Will Christians boycott it?
Probably. Especially if it's funny and clever.
Sup Dude: A two part question: Why is it that Christians can only use
"big" words when quoting the bible (rhetorical question.)? The next
question is more of a statement, but, to paraphrase Dawkins, why does
our society feel that it's taboo or "tacky" to debate or ridicule
Christians when debating or ridiculing anything else is perfectly
acceptable? It's like our society knows that Christianity isn't true,
but we should refrain from ridiculing Christians anyway because it
would be like laughing if a mentally handicapped person mistakenly ate
a crayon. Actually, it's exactly like that.
SUB JESUS:
For your first question, I don't know many Christians who use big
words. And believe me, I know a lot of Christians. 70
percent of them don't have a vocabulary beyond a sixth grade
level. No lie. Regarding your second question, the reason
most of our society share the taboo of ridiculing religion is because
most of our society is religious. It's not advisable to make fun
of Jar Jar Binks if you walked into a
Star Wars convention.
I have a serious
question. I know it's weird to place a serious question here, but
after reading the wit and wisdom you have given to other people here, I
thought I'd give it a shot. Here goes: I am a single mother with
a two year old daughter and I am reluctant to tell her about Santa
Claus. I don't want to lie to her and being in an Athiest family,
she's safe from the delusional world of gods. But, I don't want
to deprive her of the fun and joy that is Santa Claus. I mean
it's fun to believe as a kid, right? I don't know what to
do. I have established a relationship with her that mommy always
tells the truth and Santa would be a lie, right? So, I await your
wisdom. She's starting to wonder because her friends' parents
play the whole Santa thing.
SUB JESUS: I would
tell her that Santa is a made up fantasy, just like god is a made up
fantasy, but you both can still have fun with it. Tell her that
there are millions of people who believe in god and we know he's made
up, right? You can chuckle with her when someone preaches the
word of Jesus. Take that same mentality into the Santa realm,
because they're not that different (except for the age bracket).
Tell her 'we can pretend Santa's real for the benefit of the babies out
there, and because it's fun to pretend.' Assure her that she will
still get as many presents as her Santa believing friends, but when
they ask what Santa got her, you and she can wink at each other as she
tells them that Santa has been very kind to her too. I
think you will find that more bonding than pretending that Santa really
exists until they reach the age of reason. I think if more
parents did that with the god delusion, the world would be a better
place.
God is
real! Jesus is real! You talk like it doesn't make sense,
but it does. I don't know why you can't see it. God gave
his only begotten son to die on the cross for your sins. He died,
was buried and rose from the dead to ascend into heaven. How much
plainer can it be???
SUB JESUS: Nice argument. I take it you're just repeating
things you've heard since childhood. I know that story makes
sense to you, but if you were brought up being told that the story of
Jesus was a fairy tale and the story of Jack and the Beanstalk was
true, today you'd be praying to cans of lima beans, justifying a goose
that lays golden eggs, and fearing a big evil giant in the sky.
So when is the
Suicidal Muhammad head due to hit the market?
SUB JESUS: We're
taking advance orders now. When we have a commitment for at least
2500, we'll go into production. We have 348 so far. If
you'd like to be on a list, just leave us your email and we'll
contact you when we're in production.
Dear Wizard of OOPS. Dear
Submissive Jesus,
I love the answers you give to all of the questions. If we
were to look behind the curtain, would we just find a little old
filmmaker or a group working on the answers?
SUB JESUS: The
mighty and powerful Submissive Jesus will only grant that answer if you
bring me the broom stick...oops...uh... Rolls Royce...of the wicked
evangelist of the west: Pat Robertson.
I don’t know who your ‘target’
market is for this product, but it can’t be a very large segment of the
population. Haven’t you figured out yet that it’s really tacky to
make fun of someone who the majority of the American population reveres
as God? It’s not funny; it’s stupid, irreverent and
cowardly. If you’re looking for kicks and attention at the
expense of someone’s faith, why don’t you joke about Mohammad and see
what happens? Diane
SUB JESUS: Our
'target' market is anyone with a sense of humor who doesn't live in a
fantasy world; which consists of about 18% Americans, 11% New
Zealanders, 23%
Hungarians, 40% Europeans, 27% Russians and a whopping 88% East
Germans. We make enough to guarantee that this
toy'll be around for quite some time. But, you know what's REALLY
tacky? Multi-millioinaires like Benny Hinn, Robert Schuller, Pat
Robertson, Joyce
Meyer, Peter
Popoff, Billy
Graham or any of
the other hundreds of evangelists out
there soliciting money from ignorant sheep like you who believe that
they will be rewarded by their invisible sky daddy. We're
settling for a little less cash, but we sleep better at night knowing
that we're not taking advantage of weak-willed patrons. So you
don't find
it funny? Well with due respect, millions do (just ask anyone who
follows Bill Maher). Stupid? Maybe, but so is the mythology
it's based on. Irreverent?
Definitely! Cowardly? Hey, we're risking an eternity in
Hell, darling, so I'd say that makes us braver than YOU. Anyway,
I imagine you worship a god, so you'll forgive me if it's a
little tough to take your opinion seriously. And by the way,
before you're so quick to believe we're afraid of making jokes about
Muhammad, check out Submissive
Jesus commercial #4. We have the good old prophet himself
starring in
it, and he actually blows his holy ass up when he finds out we have
plans to
make a "Suicidal Muhammad Head." Sorry to refute you, baby cakes, but
unlike theists, we are not fear based. Thanks for writing.
HAHAHAHAHA -
Good one Jesus. Don't let those Christian comments get you
pissed. I'm sure these Jesus talking heads are selling
well. I bought one for my brother and he can't stop telling me
how much fun he's having with it (he's the only one in the office that
has one, which makes him pretty unique)! I plan on buying one for
myself.
SUB JESUS: Happy to hear that. And we're doing just fine.
As I said in the above reply, we may not make as much as the wealthy evangelists who
abuse naive victims of delusion, but when our customers send us
their money, we give them something real: a toy they can have a good
time with. Nothing more, nothing less. We're not taking money for
false hopes, dreams, prayers, promises, delusional salvation or
redemption. We are real, honest, fun and trustworthy. And
that is all there is to it.
Hi
there X-man (ya know, you being up on the X cross and all). You say
you’re fictional and if that’s true then how are you able
to answer questions? And why do I think its okay to be asking a
fictional character questions in the first place? Am I a Christian?
SUB JESUS: Yes, I
am fictional. But like all fictional characters, there is a real
person behind me. That is who is answering your questions. It's
okay to ask fictional characters questions in the same way geeks at
Star Trek conventions treat actors as if they are the characters they
portray. Regarding your third question: you seem very confused,
so it stands to reason that yes, you are a Christian. Don't worry
though, you are asking questions which means you're on the road to
recovery and rationality. Give it time.
Thanks,
X-man. Fast response. Faster than the "real" Jesus for sure.
Ha Ha. Got you. I'm not really a
Christian! I was making it up! Twist that head. Twist it bad...
So here's to
us, evolution and a succinctly prosperous and joyous long, long
downstream future.
SUB JESUS: Ha Ha! I knew you weren't really a Christian, you had
a vocabulary above a fifth grade level. Most letters we get from
Christians are misspelled, poorly worded and as coherent as a stroke
victim. Occasionally we'll get an intelligently worded letter
from a Christian, but we're pretty sure that they paid someone to write
it.
What are the lyrics to Jesus sings
with the martians? that is FUNNY
SUB JESUS:
It's a top 40 hit from 1963 by a group called The Ran-Dells. Just
like the Bible, the words are hard to decipher and make little sense to
a rational mind. But here they are:
"I got into my rocket ship to see the
Martian Hop
I saw the planet
shining red so there I made my stop
But as I opened up
the door and climbed the ladder down
I saw the Martians
on the floor a-dancin' to this sound
Ee-ee-ee ee-ee the
Martian Hop ee-ee-ee ee-ee-ee-ee
I saw I was the
first one there and so I was surprised
To see the Martians
twist and stomp before my very eyes
They did the
locomotion and the hully-gully too
I couldn't name a
single dance the Martians couldn't do
Ee-ee-ee ee-ee the
Martian Hop ee-ee-ee ee-ee-ee-ee
Now right around
the stroke of twelve the dance had just begun
They earth kids
parked their spaceship down on Mars to have some fun
And so I left my
friends, the Martians, stomping on the ground
And even though I'm
back on earth I still can hear this sound.
Ee-ee-ee ee-ee the
Martian Hop ee-ee-ee ee-ee-ee-ee"
Sounds
like something right out of Genesis, doesn't it?
It's assholes like you that make it
hard to believe in God. You atheists think you're so smart with your
"reason," and your ability to use "intellectualnessism." You better
fucking hope that the real Jesus has some mercy left over from the
crucifixion. How dare you make this "toy," or as I like to call it,
"eternal damnation." What has this world come to? Next you'll be making
a submissive Santa toy and claiming HE doesn't exist.
SUB JESUS: If we
did invent such a toy, I wonder if six year olds would be sending us
hate mail with the same love and compassion we get from their religious adult counterparts.
Mary must be a heavy sleeper or God
must have a tiny dick if Mary truly thought she was a virgin. Hey, he
really did make me in his image!
SUB JESUS: Mary wasn't really a virgin when dad nailed her. I
mean, come on. She was well over 14 years old - perfect birthing
age in Biblical times. Thank God it would be Milleniums before
Chris Hansen would come along. By the way, not that it matters
but I was an unplanned pregnancy. And if you're implying that God
has a tiny penis because you may have a tiny penis, nothing could be
further from the truth. Don't confuse 'image' with 'size.' God's penis spans three
galaxies.
I
have a friend who is really into you, Jesus, but it is destroying her
life. She gives money away to televangelists that she can't
afford. She reads the Bible constantly. She goes to
numerous religious functions. She always feels guilty because she
thinks she falls short of God's glory. I love her, but I can't
take this anymore! How can I talk her out of this fantasy world
of her GOD and introduce her to logic???? Moreover, how can I
show her how destructive religion is in not only her life, but
practically everyone's?
SUB JESUS: Using
logic to explain the flaws in religion is like explaining to a wildfire
how destructive it is. It can't hear you, it can't relate to you - or
you to it, it can't even think. It just destroys
because...well...that's what it does. All you can do is try to control
the damage as best you can; assess the destruction, sift through the
rubble, salvage what you can and move on. As long as people have
an imagination and a deep seated need for this world to make sense,
there will always be religion. It doesn't matter how much humans
evolve, there will always be the weak-willed, who will cling to the
fantasy. Sorry. Regarding your friend specifically: either
accept her and her fantasy (no matter how destructive it is to her) or
let her go and find some rational friend to replace her. Dems yer
choices, bud!
I just want to ask Roger to pick up a book on
fairy tales and compare the similarities.
SUB JESUS: Who's
stopping you?
Mr. S.J., I know you don’t like fortune
telling but what will happen on year 2012? And who’s gonna be our
next Dictator? Hilary or Obama?
-ren
SUB JESUS: If I
told you, it would disrupt the space/time/screw up/continuem. One
should never know too much about one's own future. Didn't you see
"Back to the Future?
You've
played right into Satan's hands. It's incredible to see how
active satan is today on earth. He deceives you. Just because you
don't like a few Christians doesn't mean you have to through away your
eternal salvation with God. The Bible predicted that a lot of
people would turn there backs on God, and you're just one of them. God
can handle it, trust me, but I hope that He, (who created you and
really loves you through His Son Jesus Christ) will touch your life and
turn you to Him, and you'll experience what a merciful God He really is. Get
yourself a Bible and start reading the truth.
Cheers.
Roger
SUB JESUS: Roger,
you seem like a really decent guy so I won't lay into you too hard, but
I think you've got that a little backward. I think you've played
into FEAR's hands. Let's hope some day you'll stop being so
afraid that there's finality to life and occasional unpleasantness in
the world that you're powerless to change. All in all, life is
good. Don't let that which is less than enjoyable fuck with your
mind so much that you need to invent a god to make the suffering
tolerable. Rationality is all one needs to get through life with
relative ease. Secondly, you missed the ENTIRE point of this toy and
this site. LISTEN rather then just react to the implication that
you're a gullible, weak-willed, simple-minded fool who was sucked into
the biggest con ever perpetrated upon man. You're just a fallible
human who fell victim to his inherent weakness and fear of what he
can't control. YOU can handle it, trust me. You've already taken
the biggest and most important step on the road to true enlightenment;
you have discovered one of the best religious deprogramming resources
around. You're on your way, buddy. Now continue to read the
truth. We're here waiting for you to join us when that day
comes. And hopefully it will be soon. I'll be
thinking positive thoughts to aid you in your (hopefully eventual)
conversion to rationality.
Can I work at the computer store?
SUB JESUS:
Sure. Report for work Monday. 9am. Wear a tie.
Hey Jesus. Do you
masturbate? If you do, do you think about boys or girls?
SUB JESUS:
Why yes, I do masturbate. And for what I think about,
well...you're going to find this an amazing coincidence, but I think
about you.
Why are
Christians obsessed with telling everyone about you over and over again?
SUB JESUS: The same reason a dog licks his balls.
will inter milan win the champions
league
SUB JESUS: I'm not
a fortune teller, I only answer prayers under torture. If Inter
milan prays to me hard enough and really humbles themselves before me,
maybe...just maybe, I will help them. However, if their opponents
buy one of me and twist my crown of thorns enough times, how can I not
submit to their demands? I'm only human. No wait. I'm
kinda human. Hold on. I'm the son of God. Why am I
wasting my time even talking to your pitiful mortal ass?
I'm beginning to see The Submissive
Jesus in some local stores. When will we see it in Walmart?
SUB JESUS:
Submissive Jesus in Walmart stores?? You have a better shot
waiting for the rapture to happen.
Thank you for lowering the price. Now I can finally afford a
Jesus head.
SUB JESUS: We only
lowered it by $8.00. Unless that's an hourly wage for you, I
didn't think it would have such an impact. If you're Atheist, I'm
sure you're making more than that. If you're Christian, I didn't
mean to imply that you are making that much.
Whats it like having George Bush as a friend? Oh, and after seeing the
"Submissive Jesus Ad #4" I was wondering if you could hook me up with
the tooth fairy. I thought I should ask before I start knocking my
teeth out just to.... Wait... You said yourself that you're a
masochist, can I knock some of your teeth out?
SUB JESUS: Number
one, George Bush is not my friend and I am sick and tired of him
dropping my name to make himself look ignorant...er...good.
Number two, the tooth fairy is in a committed relationship with the
sandman. Sorry, but they've been together for 1799 years.
It looks serious. (by the way, you can see her getting boned by Mr.
Sandman in Submissive Jesus ad #3) Number three, you can knock my teeth
out, but in three days, they'll just grow back in again. Ha!
I was a Christian for over 25 years
and I have found more wisdom and insight on this page than in all the
religious books I studied. I find the more I allow myself to
doubt and think, the more I pull away from Christianity. I'm not
completely turning my back on it, but religion is getting further and
further from my heart. It's odd that a toy like the Submissive
Jesus and this answer page would help me see how stupid I have been.
SUB JESUS: Don't
be so hard on yourself. A part of your brain has been infected
with the virus of religion and it's a very tough vault to crack.
This cancer has been with you presumably since you were little, right?
Anything that has influenced you that long ago, when your brain was
just
forming, won't simply go away. When your logical system is
invaded at such a young age, intelligence won't kill it, science won't
kill it, reason won't kill it. Only your own immune system
and the will to embrace reality will give you a fighting chance.
Sounds like you're on the road to recovery. Welcome to reality.
I want a Submissive Jesus head, but
I don't want to pay $30 for it. Give me a discount!
SUB JESUS: Hey,
who's the Jew around here, you or me? Pay full price, Hymie.
If people who know about Jesus and don't believe in you go to hell,
aren't people who never heard of you better off?
SUB JESUS: If
people never heard of me, the WORLD would be better off.
Prayer works. You should try it some time.
SUB JESUS: When
you're superstitious, a lot of things work. Flipping a coin
works, rubbing a horseshoe works, holding a rabbit's foot works,
wishing upon a star works...BUT twisting the crown of thorns on your
lord and savior REALLY works. Try me.
All I want to say is this: 90% of
the world believes in God. Faith in God is not a blind leap into
the dark, it is safe step into a well-lit room where 90% of people are
already standing.
SUB JESUS: How
many moths fly into spotlights during night baseball games? 90%
sounds about right. Enjoy the light of ignorance, my
friend. We 10% will bask in the darkness of reality. And
while we're on the subject of numbers; there was once a time when 100%
of the world believed the world was flat and the sun revolved around
the earth. Majority doesn't necessarily rule when it comes to
intelligence.
You Submissive Jesus, Where
you been? You're not answering questions as fast as you used
to. Wassup?
SUB JESUS: Hey,
Sub Jesus is a busy man!! You think Earthquakes, Hurricaines,
global warming, mine shaft cave ins and other natural disasters happen
by themselves? Give a God a break! You think all I do
is hang around this site and answer questions? I've got
lives to disrupt.
I don't know if I buy into that
whole virgin birth thing. Come on, be honest. Was your
mother really a virgin?
SUB JESUS: Of
course she was. The Bible says she was! Hell, we were all
virgins at one time. Of course, what the Bible doesn't tell you
is that she lost her virginity around the age of 10. I lost mine
at 14, riding a horse. Long story.
What do you call all these people
who believe you are a myth?
SUB JESUS:
Intellects.
Dear SJ, Did they really have to remake INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS
and HALLOWEEN? Aren't you getting sick and tired of all these
remakes and sequels?
SUB JESUS: Yes I
am. That's what we get for allowing people to have free
will. Believe me, if I saw all these lame remakes and sequels
coming, there would have been an 11th commandment.
Who does your dental work? You have great teeth.
SUB JESUS:
Thank you. I go to Zeus' dentist. He's great. No pain
at all (not that pain would bother me, as I'm a masochist, you know).
Dear Submissive Jesus: I bought one of your heads at an online
store called Wicked Cool Stuff, and now they're out of
them. I want another one. When will they get more in?
SUB JESUS: You
don't need to wait for them to get more in. Just go to the ORDER NOW section of
this website. I can't believe that you couldn't just figure that
out for yourself. Does everyone have to do the thinking for you
(If you're Christian, I understand and apologize).
Where is Osama Bin Laden?
SUB JESUS: Right
this minute? Disneyland. He's hiding in the Pirates of the
Caribbean ride.
now this is for GOD and you,
JESUS. what would you do if someone really, really pissed you
off??
SUB JESUS:
Depends on if it's a man or a woman. If it's a man, I'd probably
make him impotent...if it's a woman, I'd probably make her marry a
Christian (same result).
When is the next Submissive Jesus
commercial coming out? I think they're great.
SUB JESUS:
Soon. Keep checking back.
Were you upset over the Chocolate Jesus art exhibit that got banned in
New York?
SUB JESUS: A
little. If they were going to make me out of dark chocolate,
you'd think they would have given me a bigger penis.
Hi Jesus, how are You? I have
a question for You about hell. I've read Your book and I notice that
You talk about hell more then Heaven in the gospels so I figure You'd
know the answer to this question. I know that if people don't
accept You as their personal savior, when they die their soul gets sent
to hell forever and ever, and I know that hell is a very real place and
hot as...well...hell. But my question is, do people eventually get used
to it kinda like how people get used to being in a hot tub?
SUB JESUS:
Hell isn't as bad as everyone thinks it is. In fact, I own
property there - a small three bedroom villa that overlooks a lake of
fire. It's beautiful at night. However, I digress.
When people get to Heaven and see how boring it is, they're all begging
to take weekend vacations in Hell. Regarding the fire and getting
used to it thing: when you die, you no longer have nerves to feel pain,
so fire will have no effect on you. We only make it sound
threatening to scare the Christians (who aren't clever enough to figure
that out). We don't want them desiring to go there, so we can keep Hell
free of anger, violence, prejudice and ignorance.
What's your favorite religion,
Christian or Jew?
SUB JESUS: That's
like asking me what do I prefer, diarrhea or constipation? ALL
religions equally annoy me.
Once the world is destroyed, who will carry on?
SUB JESUS: Damn
dirty apes.
This is the funniest thing I've ever seen.
SUB JESUS: I
appreciate the compliment, but if THIS is the funniest thing you've
ever seen then you need to get out to more comedy clubs...or churches.
Hey son my grandkid Lucifer wants
to know if your aware you've share a few of monikers?
You know
prince of peace, bringer of dawn all that? Yeah also his cousin Osiris
and that damned Mithras kid too (arggg). Must be a dozen of em. Shared
names that is. He's asked me to tell you because he's too busy
getting head from all his followers, you got the monikers son but you
should really consider having more fun, give Lucky a call, he'll get ya
in with some hotties who really know how to party.
SUB JESUS: Be truthful. Are your parents out of town and you've
gotten access to their liquor cabinet and computer?
Where exactly is Heaven
located? I can't find it on any map.
SUB JESUS: We're
about 15,000 light years beyond galactic central. When you hit
Ubadubba land, you make a sharp left. You travel about 10
thousand more light years and you can't miss us. There's a big
golden fence in the front with the words "Welcome to Heaven" at the
top. The V is missing though. We've been meaning to get if
fixed, but who has the time? And since most of our residents are
rednecks, there's some furniture on the lawn, and some cars up on
blocks.
Hey Submissive Jesus, great
product!! Are you going to be having any Christmas specials?
SUB JESUS: It's
possible, but I can't predict the future. Who do you think I am,
Nostradamus?
You must think we're a bunch of
morons.
SUB JESUS: When
you say we, who are you referring to, Christians or people who get
upset over a toy?
I just wanna know one thing...Could
you make a burrito so hot that you yourself could not eat it?
SUB JESUS: I
can't. Not because I'm not capable, but because I'm not a very
good cook. I do, however, make a mean wine cooler.
You people really annoy me.
You think you're all high and mighty with you're stupid punk ass
toy. I have never seen a website that was such a waste of time or
money. Why don't you try saying something intelligent?
SUB JESUS: You
first.
I CAN NOT believe that you put
Mohammad in your last commercial!!!!!!!
SUB JESUS: Hey,
the man needs work. He
got bored.
He went through those 72 virgins in a month.
This has to be the greatest
invention to come along since the creation of the wheel.
SUB JESUS: I
wouldn't go that far, but I will admit to being the best thing to come
along since Oral Roberts.
I pity you.
SUB JESUS: Don't
pity me, I'm just a plastic toy. Pity yourself. You're the
one getting upset over this.
I am so sick and tired of people
ridiculing my faith. It doesn't take any smarts to make a product
like this.
SUB JESUS:
Nobody said it did. But tell me, how many smarts does it take to
talk to an imaginary friend and worship magic? Just curious.
Hi there Jesus. Can I call
you Jesus? I just saw your new commercial. Don't get
upset. Take comfort in knowing that some of us appreciate the
sacrifice you made for us.
SUB JESUS: I
wouldn't really call it a sacrifice. I mean, I didn't stay dead,
did I? If I had stayed dead, then it would have been a
sacrifice. I was only out of it for three days. No big
deal, kinda like spending a weekend in Panorama City. And
besides, Heaven has a great health plan for martyrs. Oh by the
way, you can't call me Jesus. I'm MR. CHRIST to you.
Hey Jesus, what's going on?
We haven't talked in a while. Everything is good down here on
Earth, you followers are a bit on the up-tight side, as always.
Anyway, enough beating around the burning bush. I've been
searching for a job and I am still jobless. You offered me a job
a while back and I was wondering if I could take you up on the
offer. So get back to me on that and I'll find the quickest way
to heaven. Later Jesus. Sincerely, Chris.
SUB JESUS: Yes,
my followers are uptight. If you never had good sex and your best
friend was imaginary, you'd be uptight too. Regarding a
job, how big are you? We need a bouncer at the pearly gates to
keep out the Catholics. They still think they're welcome here and
when they find out the truth, most just won't leave quietly.
That's really all we have available, save for a few custodial
positions. Did I mention you have to be dead to work up here?
Well
I'll take the job. I'm not very muscular but I do have a thing
for
weapons. I figure if someone un-welcomed were to visit without
the
proper I.D. or your word I would just put holes in him/her/it or just
cut it head off. Yes, I know I have to be dead. If I kill
myself
now...does that mean I have to job when I get there?
SUB
JESUS:
If you kill yourself, you go to Hell (suicide is a sin), so looks like
you're going to have to lead a good Christian life and die of natural
causes. Then, when you arrive here, MAYBE we'll give you a
job. No promises though, since God has the final word and he's so
into nepotism.
In an earlier question, you said
that someone is "wasting their life" worshipping God. I don't see
it as "wasting my life." I have had a relationship with God all
my life and it has been anything but a waste of time. He has
brought much joy and success in my life and if I was to find out there
was no God at the end of my life, I would hardly call it a waste.
SUB JESUS: I'm
happy for you. However, if you had a lifelong relationship with a
spouse who gave you joy and you believed loved you, yet told
you what to see, think and say, took
10% of your money, restricted you from your own thoughts, demanded that
you worship him/her unconditionally under the threat of eternal pain,
... and then you found out at the end of your life that he was a
complete figment of your imagination, wouldn't you call that a
waste? Enjoy your delusion. See you in the afterlife.
I just read that your putting
Mohammad in one of your commercials? are you nuts? You'll
get your ass blown up!! Aren't you concerned for your safety?
SUB JESUS:
Nah. Security's been pretty tight up here in Heaven ever since
Anna Nicole Smith arrived.
Dear Creator of Submissive
Jesus, I’m a Christian, but I see the humor in what you’re doing
and I don’t find it offensive, just ignorant. Hey, but if I’m
right then I go to heaven, if you’re right then nothing happens, I
figure why take the chance.
SUB JESUS: Ah,
Pascal's Wager. If you're wrong, it isn't that nothing happens:
If you're wrong, you've wasted the only life you have worshiping,
praying to, singing to, giving money to, and living to please a
fictitious leader...and scoring brownie points for a better life that
doesn't exist. One other point: Geography, not rationality,
dictates your beliefs. You're a Christian, you
worship Christ. If you were brought up in Iraq, you'd be praying
to Muhammad, if you were brought up in India, you'd be worshipping Lord
Ganesha. If you were brought up in Denmark during the time of the
vikings, you'd be praying to Thor and his mighty hammer, if you were
brought up in ancient Greece, you'd be praying to Zeus and Apollo, if
you were brought up in Africa, you'd be praying to the great Ju Ju at
the bottom of the sea. I'm sorry, what was that you were saying
about ignorance?
MapQuest does have a map to Hell,
it’s in Michigan.
SUB JESUS:
Really? I'm still getting over Intercourse, Pa.
My girlfriend is a Christian. She
talks to God all the time. She claims he answers back. I
have never had this experience. How come she gets to have
conversations with God and I can't??
SUB JESUS: You
have something that gets between you and god, it's called..a brain.
I bought a Submissive Jesus head
and showed it to the priest of my church. He wasn't too
impressed. He suggested I get rid of it. Would it be a sin
for me to tell him that I got rid of it, but kept it anyway?
SUB JESUS: It
would be a bigger sin if you listened to this guy. Anybody who
wears skirts, talks to imaginary beings, and hasn't had sex in decades
is not the kind of person you want to take advice from.
Dear Submissive Jesus, I want to
make C, or possibly D or E grade movies. But I have no money,
less talent and fewer ideas. What can I do? Is there
anything I can buy to help me?
SUB JESUS: With
today's technology, one can make a movie with simply a camcorder, a PC
and an internet connection. You think most Youtube videos have
budgets? If you haven't already, check out our commercials.
Collectively, those were shot for less money than gassing up a Prius at
Arco. Need more help? Check out this site.
They've made features films for under $1000. Now get busy.
Jesus, how can I make my breasts
look bigger?
SUB JESUS:
Date men with small hands.
I wish I thought of this.
SUB JESUS: There
are over 200 gods out there. Pick another one and go nuts.
Do you ever stop to
think that you're angering Christians?
SUB JESUS: Do
you ever stop to think that many were angry long before we came onto
the scene? Oh by the way, after you stop to think, did you ever
consider starting up again?
I can't believe
that this drek got television coverage! Shows how dumb the media
has become.
SUB JESUS: I
agree. It's much easier to believe in parting waters, virgin
births, talking serpents, 40 day floods and dead men rising.
You think you're
hot, don't you?
SUB JESUS:
Actually quite the opposite. I think I'm cool.
How can I get one
of the "limited edition" autographed and numbered? I'll pay
anything 4-1.
SUB JESUS:
Check ebay. They turn up there from time to time.
Why are your
followers so rude, arrogant, and vial?
SUB JESUS: They
want to emulate the God of the Bible, who has all those exact same
traits.
Dear Jesus, I am
Muslim. Why don't you provide 72 virgins to your faithful, like
the Muslims do? Then I might convert to Christianity.
SUB JESUS: What
you Muslims don't know is that the 72 virgins are overweight gay nuns.
If I become a
reseller, how many Jesus heads do I have to acquire?
SUB JESUS:
A minimum of 20, see our reseller's page.
So your middle name
is "Hallowed" eh? I always thought it was "Fucking," as in "Jesus
Fucking Christ." When did it get changed?
SUB JESUS: That
was my mother's maiden name. I went with it briefly in my teens,
but it didn't look good on a driver's license, so I dropped it.
Do you get paid for personal
appearances?
SUB JESUS: Not
really. I do, however, make a few bucks for appearing in cheese
and tree sap.
What are the first words in the
Bible?
SUB JESUS: "Once
upon a time..."
I think your an idiot! AN
IDIOT!!! AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!
SUB JESUS:
You're yelling at a plastic statue. I'm sorry, what were you
saying?
Dear Jesus, are you a christian or
a Jew?
SUB JESUS:
Neither. I'm a Pepper (you 80's theists will know what I mean).
Submissive Jesus, why do christians
put fish logos on the back of their cars to represent their faith?
SUB JESUS:
Because if they put Dodo birds back there, nobody would get it.
Do you have any pets?
SUB JESUS:
No, unless you count all the sheep that follow me around.
Who is your role model?
SUB JESUS: I
always thought Zeus was pretty cool. After that, Owen Wilson.
What's your favorite movie?
SUB JESUS: The God Complex.
It hasn't come out yet, but I can see into the future, and it's going
to be great!
How can you see everybody's lives
and know what everybody's doing?
SUB JESUS: Tivo
I want to sell some Jesus heads
before it's too late. Can I get a bulk or wholesale discount?
SUB JESUS: Go to
our resellers page
for information.
Who's the babe in the
commercial? She's hot!!
SUB JESUS: Which
babe? There are three commercials. The blonde in #1 is Dani
Leon (who can also be seen in the Pirromount films Color-Blinded and Rectuma.
The redhead in #2 is Lauren Joy, and the blonde in #3 is Angelique
Hennessy. Happy stalking.
Have you seen Jerry Fallwell since
he died?
SUB JESUS:
Sure have. He's St. Peter's Bitch now.
Give 'em Hell, Jesus!!!
SUB JESUS: Hell
is imaginary, but we'll keep giving 'em logic.
This
toy hurts me so. Why would you do something like this when there
are more positive things you can do? Read the Bible.
SUB JESUS: We
have read the
Bible. And as sanctioned by it, we thought about stoning people
who work on Sundays (Exodus 31:15), force our women to be submissive (1
Corinthians 14) capturing and then beating a few slaves (Exodus 21:20),
killing our own obnoxious kids (Lev 20:9, Deut 21) and kill some other
kids in front of their parents (Isaiah 13, Hosea 13, Numbers 31), but
making a plastic toy seemed so much more civilized.
I don't know what to pray for.
SUB JESUS: How
about more atheists?
I
got my Submissive Jesus Toy today and I can't believe how fast it got
here. I just placed the order three days ago and it was on my
door this morning. I haven't been able to put it down. Why
didn't you tell us this would be so addicting?
SUB JESUS: You
didn't ask. I'm happy that you are enjoying me though.
I hope and pray that this product
disappears.
SUB JESUS: You
can hope, dream, wish and pray. We'll act.
What's so bad about living your
life by the words of the Bible today?
SUB JESUS: Try
operating your computer using a DOS manual.
What happens to all the foreskins
when babies are circumsized? Do you somehow collect all the tips? If
so, what do you do with them?
SUB JESUS: Why
yes, we do collect them. They make great beanbag chairs.
My wife is cheating on me.
Can I kill her?
SUB JESUS:
Thou shalt not kill. Don't worry though. I'll smite the
bitch for you.
Jesus- Do you love your Hanes
underwear brief as much as people say you do? Do you stand at the top
of the mountain declaring your love of Hanes underwear- my friend says
you do!
SUB JESUS: Your
friend is wrong. I don't wear underwear at all. In fact, I
get upset when I see pictures of me on the cross wearing a
diaper.
Dear Jesus, are you still friends
with Mel Gibson?
SUB JESUS: Don't
get me started on him. The bastard promised me royalties and I
still haven't seen one sheckel.
So now Paris Hilton has become one
of your followers. How do you feel about that?
SUB JESUS:
I plan on changing my phone number again.
Is there anything out there more
insightful than the Bible?
SUB JESUS:
Internet porn.
Is there intelligent life on other
planets?
SUB JESUS:
There's barely intelligent life on THIS planet.
I still don't understand what your
dying on the cross has to do with anything. Please explain.
SUB JESUS:
Nothing to explain. It's like a David Lynch film. Just
accept it and move on.
Hey, did you really tell your
deciples to eat your body and drink your blood?
SUB JESUS:
Yep. You should have seen their faces when I brought out a tray
of sausages.
Jesus, I need a good
carpenter. Will you come down and remodel my kitchen and how much
do you charge?
SUB JESUS:
I don't think you can afford my rates. Just my traveling expenses
are in the millions.
What time is it?
SUB JESUS: Does
anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?
Why is it taking you sooooo long to
come back?
SUB JESUS: I
tried three times and gave up. Parking is such a bitch.
Did people get high in Biblical
times?
SUB JESUS:
Talking serpents, water into wine, parting seas and flying angels, what
do YOU think?
How can you allow so much pain,
suffering and evil in the world?
SUB JESUS:
You're talking to a fictional character. Wrap your mind around
that concept and the rest is easy to figure out.
Did you and Judas ever get it on?
SUB JESUS:
Don't ask, don't tell.
Why are religious women usually so
fugly and repressed?
SUB JESUS:
If they were getting great sex, you think they'd be talking to me?
Why don't our belly buttons close
up
after we're born?
SUB JESUS:
So you can have a place to put the salt shaker when you're eating in
bed.
I got my Submissive Jesus yesterday
and I love it!! Any new god toys coming out?
SUB JESUS: Watch
for "The Suicidal Mohammad" Virgins sold separately.
Will my boyfriend become aware that
Jesus truly exists?
SUB JESUS: Not
unless he goes to prison, becomes drug dependant or has an I.Q. in
double digits.
Seriously, how reliable is
prayer? Not with you, I mean prayer in church.
SUB JESUS:
Prayer is about as reliable as a two dollar watch.
Do you honestly believe that
creating
a toy ridiculing Jesus is productive?
SUB JESUS: More
productive than getting upset over it.
Jesus, can I get a free head?
SUB JESUS: Sorry
Pisano, Italians have to paya da hookers justa lika everybody else.
I'm sure a lot of people are
praying
for you right now.
SUB JESUS:
There're probably a lot of people masturbating right now too.
What's your point?
What would Jesus do?
SUB JESUS: Isn't
it obvious? Run a website and sell toys.
You fuckers better hope that you
never
run into me!!!
SUB JESUS: If I
do, I'll be sure to be in a car.
Why won't God cure amputees?
They deserve healing too.
SUB JESUS:
Yeah, but they don't have a leg to stand on.
Hey Jesus, I want your body!
SUB JESUS: It's
yours! Go to a church and eat me!
What
did God do before he created the heavens and the earth?
SUB JESUS:
Excessive masturbation.
Why
is there pain and suffering in the world?
SUB JESUS:
Where else would we put it?
Dear
Jesus, Ginger or Mary Ann?
SUB JESUS: Mr.
Howell. It's complicated.
Why are there atheists?
SUB JESUS:
Someone has to run the world after the religious have killed off each
other.
Who would win in a fight: You,
Mohammad, Superman or Arnold Schwartezenegger?
SUB JESUS:
Arnold. He really exists.
Jesus, I think my wife is turning
lesbo. How can I find out?
SUB JESUS:
Look at the tips of her fingers. If they're in another woman's
vagina, that's a clue.
Dear Jesus, do Jews get to go to
Heaven?
SUB JESUS: Of course they do. Who do you think handles our
accounting?
What the fuck is your
problem?!!
SUB JESUS: Well, for one thing...you.
I will pray for you.
SUB JESUS: I appreciate that. Up here, prayers are like food
stamps. Six more prayers and I get steak.
Hey man, what is it like in hell?
SUB JESUS: Kind
of like spending a weekend in East L.A.
Dear jesus, Do you think your
crucifixion was the best way to drum up advertising support for
Israel's nail-manufacturing industry?
SUB JESUS: They
didn't use nails on me. That's another falsehood in that stupid
book they wrote about me. Actually they used velcro and super
glue.
Hey, you're not fooling anyone,
Jesus! I know you don't look like that. Born in the middle
east with straight hair, white skin and blue eyes? Come
on!!! How gullible do you think we humans are?
SUB
JESUS: Okay, you got me. I don't really look like this.
This is my American cool hero face. If I showed you what I really
looked like, I don't think I would have as many followers. I kinda look
like Osama bin Laden, but I have cuter eyes.
Dear Jesus, I am 12 years old. My
older brother says you're not real. I think you are. Are you?
SUB
JESUS: It's clear to see that you got all the brains in the
family. Of course I'm real! Ironically, I was discussing
this very
subject the other day with my good friend the tooth fairy!!
I hate to bother you, but why are
most
of your followers so ignorant?
SUB
JESUS: Come on now, let's not be judgmental. That's just
for me and my dad to be. But to answer your question: beats the
hell out of me!
Do you like queers?
SUB JESUS: What
is it with you people and all the gay questions? Yes I like
queers! Who do you think decorates Heaven?
Dear Sub Jesus, how do you feel
about
getting banned from Myspace?
SUB
JESUS: There's an old saying from a children's storybook, I forget the
book or which mythological character said it, but it goes something
like this: "Forgive them, for they know not what they are doing," or
something gay like that. Words to live by.
Hey Jesus, what happened to
Delusional
Prayer Nut? I miss him.
SUB
JESUS: They took away his crayons and put him back in the padded
cell, with only his bible and a toilet. He still gets the two
confused.
Jesus, give moses back
his pie or I'll smite you. Love Dad
PS, let's
have a man to man talk later.
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS: Ok, ok, he can have his damn pie! Christ dad, I'm 2007
years old! When will you start treating me like an adult!
will me and morgan ever get back
together? Also, will we ever get a kitten?
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS: Not until you get that grammar right! Come on, Matt.
That's 'will Morgan and I...'. Regarding getting a kitten,
yes. And you'll name it 'Bootsie.'
How can an idiot like George W.
Bush
even exist? Can't you smite him or
something?
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS: With this country's collective mentality, there are some
miracles even I can't perform.
Jesus, will my dick grow longer
than
3 inches? And it's also crooked..like you know, a little to the
left...is that a
bad thing or do girls dig it?
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS: My records here indicate you were born female. Check your birth
certificate. That might be your clit. If it IS your clit, and it's
crooked, time for Dr. 90210
Oh my lord,
it makes sense after all! Thanks Jesus, I'll get right on
it.
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Wise choice, my daughter.
Why is it that no matter how hard I
try, nothing is ever good enough?
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Lower your standards. I did and look who I attract.
Dear Jesus,
Why am I GAY?
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Because you like penises.
Think your
very cool. and just want to ask.
How did more
people get on earth besides adam and eve? Lena
Chris
Very simple
Lena, evolution. The scientific fact that when certian
species branch off and live in different enviroment they adapt to their
surrondings and create a variation of that species. Also, I think when
god made a copy of his ass on the heavenly copy machine he made clones
of adam and eve.
SUBMISSIVE JESUS RESPONDS: Hey, who's
cutting in on my business? This is "Ask Submissive Jesus" not ask
Chris. Not a bad explanation though, but not enough fun and fantasy. I
prefer the rib story myself.
Chris
Sorry
submissive jesus, I know your busy so I thought I would help out
plastic talking lord.
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: No harm, no foul, but leave the lordin' to the LORD!
P.S. we may have a job waiting for you when you get up here.
dam you
jesus! you stole my pie you bitch!! THOU SHALT NOT STEAL!! so
give my pie back!!
sincerely
your pal moses
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: We've been through this already! You ain't getting any
damn pie back, so deal with it!
Tesla
Thanks
Submissive Jesus!
SUB JESUS
RESONDS: You are very welcome, my child.
Will I ever
find a boyfriend? John
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Of course you will. I found twelve.
lonely
passion girl
Submissive
Jesus, will you marry me?
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Sorry, I'm saving myself. Jesus saves, get it?
Jesus, I want to have sex with
every woman I see. Is that okay?
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Every woman? Be careful what you wish for. Have you
ever been to a PETA rally?
can we smoke
a joint toggether????
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: My social calendar is booked for quite some time. I can
pencil you in for July 15, 2093. I'll bring the munchies.
Will I ever
be married?
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Who do you think I am, Sylvia Brown? Ok, just this
once. No.
I´ve
always wondered -born and raised in a cardbox, so I
couldn´t go check myself- What does the "H" in parodist "Jesus H.
Christ" mean? PLZ I need it for my semestre work.
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Stands for 'Hallowed' (as in Our Father who art in
Heaven, Hallowed by thy middle name). Which brings us to the reason why
women should never pick children's names when they're having PMS.
Dear J., plz
end my pain...the pain of not having a car!!
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: There's an old proverb used frequently in Beverly
Hills: I lamented that I had no Lexus until I saw the man who had no
BMW. Get a bike.
May I have
one million dollars by the end of the hour, please.
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Check under your bed.
hey jesus
its moses! you took my pie give it back or ill part the sea
and drown your ass! >_>
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Sorry dude, it's mine. You want it? Come and get it,
pussy.
Can you
really make people better in bed or is that fake?
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Of course I can. Why do you think they always scream
out my name? They're asking for help.
Can you tell
that goober Jerry Falwell i'm a necrophiliac and his ass
is mine?
Pun intended.
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: I'm sure he knows.
Dear Jesus,
Does the girl at schoool like me?
P.S:
You rock buddy :)
Your
bud
--Codypelma
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Does she ever. But you have to stop drooling when you
speak to her.
I think that
the product is hilarious, i am a christian, but we all are
entitled to our own beliefs. so what im saying is, lets not say that
God or Jesus are "fictional". u can say that u dont belive but u dnt
have to be offensive
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: God IS fictional...but I'm not. Buy me and you'll see.
Satan
Hey Jesus,
are you black or white or something else? I'm hungry.
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: I am white and plastic and run on three AAA batteries.
Go eat something.
when will i
et the girl of my dreams ?
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: June 14th, 2014
will I ever
meet Lena katina?
To:
Dumb ass
From:
Breann
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Nope. She's hiding from your ugly ass.
What is your
plan to save the world?
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: No saving here. The world will destroy itself then
we'll start over again. Only this time, we'll make the monkeys a bit
more intelligent from the beginning.
What are
your plans to extinguish life on our planet? Do you at all?
What about the non-christian, eastern regions? Do they get spared, so
to leave the world in parts? Will you only destroy sitcom? What about
that Mary Magdalena, anyway? Yu still got dibs on her?
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: You ask a lot of questions. Just be a good Christian
and accept without questioning. Assume I know what I'm doing.
what is my
middle name? Thanks, Bob
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Percy.
can i please
suck joe's cock?
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: What's stopping you?
i pray that on monday meline get's
fat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! plese
plese!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: It'll take more than a few days. Anyway, I only answer
prayers under torture.
were does
water come from
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: The ocean.
can you
lower the price for a poor man?
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Every once in awhile we run specials (we had a Mother's
Day special with a $10 rebate. You'll just have to keep checking back.
Sometimes you can find them cheaper on Ebay. UPDATE: Check out
our "Deluded Prayer Nut" special running through the end of May.
You must research it, my son.
TheOne
I heard your
a fat drunk white cracker who had nothing else to do but
make a stupid ass talking jesus toy. is that true fatty?
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: No, do other things too, like respond to slow witted
rednecks that don't know the difference between 'your' and you're'.
Learn to write intelligently if you want Submissive Jesus to take you
seriously.
Why does
kassidy not like me?
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Keep working on her. She'll come around.
Is
Christianity only supposed to be for white people and Islam for sand
people?
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: No, ignorance is the only true qualification for either
cult.
Easter Bunny
Tough break,
brother. Now everyone's gonna want one, and you'll have to
answer prayers non-stop! Fortunately no one's come up with an idea to
force ME to grant wishes. I guess I must be lucky. (After all, I do
have TWO rabbits feet.)
Peace
out homie, Peter
Cottontail
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Hey Petey! Nice to hear from you again. Don't worry,
you're safe. Most people actually think you're fictitious. Can you
believe that nonsense? I can't understand how people can be so naive.
Easter Bunny
I know! And
I even leave them custom hand-painted plastic or real
Easter eggs every year! That's hard proof of my existence! And good ol' Saint Nick. Every year
he travels around the globe,
dropping off presents. More tangible evidence. And people think he's
imaginary too!
Why,
Jesus, do people believe in you, when you've been working
miracles behind the scenes, leaving no hard proof or tangible evidence
all along? What
more do *I* have to do to get them to believe in me
too? Your
pal, The Easter Bunny
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Dear Easter Bunny: People believe in me because I
didn't Jew out on hiring the best and most expensive PR firm I could.
Big mistake. Trust me. You don't want people believing in you. If I
could take it all back, I would.
ami
hey
submissive jesus please help me pass all of my final exams on
monday and tuesday it would mean alot to me
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Sorry, I only respond to torture. Buy me and twist the
crown...then we'll see.
Tesla
Submissive
Jesus, will you please make sure my boyfriend isn't cheating
on me? Sometimes I worry... : (
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Don't worry! You can do better than him! Besides, he'll
be impotent at 32.
Travis
]KKK go
away, quit being gay, all day, by the bay...you fucking fagot!
P.S. Leave Submissive Jesus alone he kicks ass and will kick yours if I
twist his head!....Bitch!
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Thanks for the defense, Travis, but we need to take the
high road here. Noah brought two baboons on the ark to mate so we would
have people like the KKK guy for our amusement.
Chris
Dear
Submissive Jesus,
I need you
to clear something up, In your ficticous book you call being
gay an abomination, do you really hate us gay people or was it meant as
something else?
SUB JESUS:
The only abomination is that people in today's day and age take this
fantasy book seriously.
Is it possible to fuck my
girlfriend up the ass and have it come out
the neden?
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: You kiss your mother with that mouth? I do.
Does the
girl I love at school love me back?
From:
Breann
to:
Fake jesus
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: that's Submissive Jesus, not fake Jesus (although I
have to admit, we're both about as 'real' as department store Santa
Clauses). Anyway, the girl you love in school thinks you're gay. Sorry
you had to hear it from me.
Dear Submissive Jesus:
is there
such thing as evolution?
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Yes, but reading KK's comments (see below, like a
snake), you'll notice that in some cases it hasn't started yet.
Hey Submissive Jesus, can you send
a bolt of fiery justice to strike
down KK, their name is very close to KKK which freaks me out because
they are acting like a religious f**ktard who can't take a joke
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Lightning bolts don't work on retards. It just makes
them better banjo players.
hey maybe if
we are lucky KK will win a Darwinism Award eventually?
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Never happen. The Darwin Awards only apply to humans.
Mr. KK doesn't qualify.
kk
I HOPE YOU
DO NOT REALY THINK THAT YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO GET AWAY WITH
THIS IN THE LONG RUN.RIGHT ? I HOPE YOU GUYS KNOW THAT SOMEONE WILL SUE
YOU!!RIGHT? OHH WAIT A MINUTE YOU GUYS ARE THAT STUPID! I KNOW MORE
THAN YOU ABOUT GOD AND JESUS. I HATE YOU ALL AND I DO NOT SAY That
offten!!
SUBMISSIVE JESUS
RESPONDS: You obviously don't spell it 'offten' either.
Niko
You are the
type of person that gives good christians a bad name.
People like you Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson. Everyone that uses the
bible to twist and manipulate for others to hate and condemn. Read your
bible one of these days see how much hypocracy there is inside of it.
Loathing, hating, slavery,
mysogyny, puritanism. Go and get yourself an
intellect- and maybe a dictionary as well.
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: I couldn't have said it better myself. Me Bless You,
Niko.
I think you
need to relax. What happened to live and let live?
SUBMISSIVE
JESUS RESPONDS: Ian Fleming ripped it off and made it the title of a
James Bond flick.
Jesus!
Have I
sinned, or am i going to heaven?
SUBMISSIVE JESUS
RESPONDS: Neither
kk
our
complaints never c |